


Lonely and Alone

by invisible_aliens



Series: Carry On Countdown 2018 [10]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Aro Mordelia, Aromantic, Gen, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 04:29:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16847146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisible_aliens/pseuds/invisible_aliens
Summary: Mordelia feels pressure from her father to get married.But she doesn't want to.Post-Carry OnWritten for the Carry On Countdown 2018, Day 10: Angst Day





	Lonely and Alone

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure how angsty this actually is, but I sure felt angsty when I was writing it.

Mordelia remembers how her father reacted when he found out about Baz and Simon. About their relationship. She remembers Baz and Father going into Father's office. Mordelia had hid in the corridor outside, straining to hear what they were saying. But all she could make out were angry murmurings. She hid behind a statue when Baz came out, anger showing on his face. His anger was cool and controlled compared to that of Father's when he came out a few minutes later with a face was full of boiling rage. 

 

She asked Father later what Baz had wanted to tell him. 

“Nothing important. He's just got some stupid ideas into his head about that Snow boy. Don't you worry about it.” 

Mordelia liked Snow. Even though he had moved out, Baz usually still came round for dinner one night a week. He often brought Simon with him. Simon was fun. He played games with her and laughed at her jokes. Well, sometimes, anyway. Which was more than she could say for anyone else. Except maybe Aunt Fiona, and Baz, of course, but she still hadn't forgiven him for moving out. It almost felt like a betrayal, and even though she knew it wasn't, it still stung. Just a bit. 

She remembers when Baz and Simon told her they were in love. Despite her Father's efforts to shelter her, she did know about being gay. Her classmate James at her Normal primary school had two mums. Everyone loved them. One of them was a baker, and often sent cakes in for James to share with the class. The other always rode a large motorcycle. Mordelia hoped maybe one day she could have a motorcycle. Maybe Aunt Fiona would give her one. 

 

When she realised Baz and Simon's relationship was the reason they never came over any more, she was angry. She shouted at her Father, and asked him why they couldn't visit. She had a tantrum screaming and crying and kicking the furniture. 

And her Father acted all reasonable, as if he must be right, because he was an adult, and adults are always right, and said, “he'll change his mind soon, and realise he was wrong. He's the daughter of Natasha Grimm-Pitch, and he has a duty to continue the line, not waste his time with that useless nobody!”

And Mordelia was reminded that even if Father loved her, and her Mother, she wasn't as special as Baz, and the great Natasha Grimm-Pitch. 

 

She remembers before her first day at Watford, as they stood outside the gate, her Father whispered in her ear which boys came from good families. He didn't have to tell her why. She might not be Natasha's daughter, but she was his, and there was still a line to continue. A name to pass on, if her husband allowed it, as her Father had. 

Instead of saying goodbye, he added, “and don't get any ideas from Baz about roommates.”

She didn’t feel old enough to fall in love, or to even think about it, so she pushed it out of her mind and focused on making friends. Her roommate's name was Olivia, and she never stopped talking. Mordelia didn't mind. It was just nice to be around someone who didn't have any expectations of her. Someone who was happy to simply enjoy her company. 

 

Sometimes on the weekends, she went to stay with Aunt Fiona, or occasionally even with Baz. Sometimes Simon visited, which was exciting, but sometimes his friend Penelope came as well, and that wasn't quite as fun. She didn't think Penelope liked her very much, but Baz said she was just sick of her own younger siblings. 

She enjoyed going to classes and learning magic. It gave her a sense of purpose. It made her feel less powerless. She worked hard and she often topped classes, but sometimes Nathan beat her. 

Nathan was from a good family. By fourth year, it had been made pretty clear to her that she was expected to marry him. She tried not to think about it, and whenever he sought her out she took refuge in her room to talk or watch a movie with Olivia. 

 

She remembers in fifth year, when Olivia got a boyfriend. Suddenly, Olivia went from being in their room every night to being in their room zero nights, and instead snuck off with Owen. Mordelia didn't know where they went, and wasn't sure she wanted to. 

She did know she didn't want to be lonely, though. The silence in the room always felt eerie when Olivia wasn't there. 

Some nights she cried herself to sleep. 

 

She found other ways to entertain herself. She studied harder. Spent more weekends with Fiona or Baz. She even took up drawing. She found it soothing, the simple movement of her pencil on the page, her mind focused only on the object she was trying to draw. 

Later in the year, Owen and Olivia broke up. Olivia spent many nights sobbing in bed, and trying desperately to garner sympathy from Mordelia. She didn't have much to give. Olivia had abandoned her months, and she thought she could just waltz back in and expect Mordelia's full attention? 

Mordelia tried to express her anger, but Olivia didn't seem to understand. 

“Just because you've never had a boyfriend, it doesn't mean you have to be jealous. You know Nathan likes you. You should let him ask you out. Or you could ask him out yourself!”

Mordelia frowned. “I'm not jealous. Owen was an idiot. And I don't like Nathan that way. I'm not sure I like him in any way.”

“Well, who do you like then?” 

Mordelia thought about it, and shrugged. “No one, really. Not that it matters anyway, because I think my Father wants to choose who I marry.”

“Who cares what he thinks! There must be someone, even if he doesn't want there to be.”

Mordelia thought harder. “There really isn't anyone.”

Olivia frowned. “Well, if you don't like any boys, what about girls? That's okay too, you know.

Mordelia scowled. “Of course I know that. You do remember my brother has a boyfriend. And no, there aren't any girls, either.”

“You know, you can be really weird sometimes.”

Mordelia felt a twist in her stomach. 

 

She's in seventh year, now. She still hasn't got a boyfriend, while Olivia seems to have a new one every week. Father has been pressuring her to get with Nathan, or perhaps someone else if she really objects to him that much. As long as they're not a girl. 

 

But there is no one, of any gender. 

 

Baz and Simon have finally decided to get married. Mordelia goes to the wedding.

“I've been telling them for years they should get married. Micah and I have been married for five years!” Penny says to her as we eat dinner at the wedding reception. 

She shrugs. “It's not that important to them, I don't think. They just want to be together. Honestly, I think Baz only wanted to do it to piss off Father. He just wasn't brave enough before.

Penny sighs. “I wish he could be supportive! They're such a good couple!”

She looks over to where they're sitting together. Baz's laughing at some joke of Simon's. 

They look happy. 

They look in love. 

And there's something beautiful about it, something amazing, but it's not something she has ever felt. And she's starting to think she never will. 

 

After the food, there is dancing. Mordelia stays seated as everyone gets up to dance. They all seem to be in couples. 

She's drawn to talk to a woman who must be about Baz's age with long, blonde hair. She's sitting alone, and unlike the few others in her situation, she doesn't seem to mind. 

“Hello,” says Mordelia. “I'm Mordelia, Baz's sister.”

The woman looks at her. “I remember you from the club,” she says. “I'm Agatha.”

Now that she's said her name, Mordelia vaguely remembers her too. 

“Oh, that's right.”

Mordelia isn't quite sure what else to say. “I just noticed out of all the people who came alone, you're the only one who doesn't seem to mind.”

Agatha looks around. “I guess you're right. But I don't mind being alone. I like it.”

She hesitates. “I didn't always want go be single. I used to date Simon, you know. And I thought I was in love with Baz.” She laughs. “I really wasn't though. I wasn't in love with anybody. I never had been, with either of them. Or anyone else.”

“I've never been in love with anyone either,” says Mordelia. “I've never even had a crush on someone! My roommate thinks I'm weird.” 

She never tells anyone any of this, but she knows Agatha will understand, because she feels the same way.

“It's not weird,” she says. She almost sounds angry. “I thought I was weird, but I'm not. I'm aromantic.” 

Mordelia thinks about that. “I think I might be too,” she says. 

  
  


It is freeing, knowing she doesn't have to be able to fall in love. It is terrifying as well. She doesn't tell Father, because she knows he won't understand. 

When he starts to pressure her too much about finding a boy, she moves in with Baz and Simon while she finishes school. 

Penny and Micah come visit often, and she also sometimes texts Agatha. 

Olivia even stops pestering her about boys. 

 

She might be single, but she's not really alone.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like Simon and Baz wouldn't wait this long to get married, but I messed up the ages of various characters and had to make it work.


End file.
